I submitted a day early.  It was the scariest thing I have ever done.  I had no idea how to handle it lol.   I celebrated with a close friend of mine and still couldnt relax!  It was by far the strangest feeling ever.  I felt great for about a week then the doubt set in. 

At this moment I am sure my thesis is complete bollox and Im am either gonna fail or at the very least will have several major corrections.

FML.

Let me sum up in point form what I have learned from this whole experience (I will do this again when it is all over):

• I don’t like hard work of the brain kind.
• Competitive people fuck me off.
• PhD’s take all the fun out of science.
• Spare time is sacred.
• I don’t want a ‘high flying’ job.
• The further up the career ladder you go, the more stress you have to take on.
• Life is more fun when you can enjoy the down time.
• higher earning = higher stress.
• There is a difference between working for achievement and working to live your life.
• Simple is SOMETIMES best.
• One hour spent with family and friends is more valuable than 10 hours spent researching.

That is all I can think of for now.  It pretty much sums up me.

How can I explain 4th year? Panic, denial, panic, denial, interpret, conclude, panic, denial, interpret, conclude.

There is nothing really more I could say except that.  Hopefully by this stage you will be medicated or heavily drinking  and the wrinkles you get around your eyes won’t bother you too much.  There is always botox.

By this stage, the textbook tells you that you should have your introduction written, your literature review completed and all data yadda yadda yadda.

Ignore that, by this stage you will have collected data or written programs etc and THATS IT.  You will spend most of the year thinking you are working, writing bits and bobs that you think will go in the final thesis but won’t and talking crap in the common room with the other students/staff.

Enjoy this because this won’t last.  Soon it will be 4th year and then the real panic sets in.

Ahhhh that year was sweet, wholesome and lurvely.  The dreams of grandeur and recognition as a scientist.  Enjoy that year because you ain’t ever gonna go back there.

The reality sets in after you do the end of first year viva.

So what happens in second year?  You will probably spend most of it trying to go to conferences and workshops.  Preferably in far flung places around the world.  At these gatherings you will meet all different kind of  crazy people.  And don’t be fooled like I was, people do not go to these meetings to advance their science knowledge or review others work, no.   These meetingss are about money.  Lots of money.  Lots of funding.  Lots of begging.  As a second year with (hopefully) a grant this will leave you feeling like you are missing the point of most of the conversations.  O, and everyone knows everyone else.  So drink lots of alcohol at the dinners and pretend you know them all too.  Trust me, its the only way.

There will of course be other students there who are in the same boat as you but be warned!  They are not your comrade, your buddy or someone to sure the strangeness of it all.  Nine times outta ten they are your competition.  And fuck, do they let you and everyone else know it.  So again, you will have to man up and put up a good dignified fight.

Either that or slope off to your hotel room and clear out the mini bar until that nasty big conference is all just a dream.

What happens at the end of your first year?

Ooooooooooooo you most likely have to produce a first year report and do a mini viva type thingy.  This is not as scary as it sounds, though, to be fair, I was on meds at the time.

Anyhoooooooooooo,

At this meeting, you will have your supervisor(s) and hopefully your thesis chair (internal examiner).  This meany weany beany thesis chair will question you like your ass was on fire.  Man up.

Did I survive this ass burning?  Yes.  Yes  but omg it burned.

If you have the basic grounding about your subject then the thing they burn you about is twatage.  Specifics?  Ok, why does that line move that way?  Why did you draw those rocks in that shape? Why haven’t you considered advection (when it is clearly NOT considered)?  Why did you choose those axes? That equation doesn’t make sense, derive it.  Nah, I still dont get it, can you derive it again in a different way?  Yes, I could go on but I am sure you get the drift.

At the end of that meeting, you will have a hot face, flutter butter stomach and an extreme desire for a beer.

To be fair, which I ain’t, buuut, you will also feel on top of the world, like you can kick beatrix kiddos ass, and that, most importantly, you know your subject.

Where to start?  I get the feeling this is going to be a long post…..

I suppose the place to start is why did I do a PhD?  Well, I was at the end of my degree and basically someone offered it to me.  I took a month to deliberate it.  The husband and I were lying in bed one morning debating the pros and cons when we decided to consult the master of all decisions – my wee unazukin.  I asked her ‘should I do this PhD’ and (the bitch) she nodded ya.  So we decided there and then that I would go for it.

I am sure you are wondering if I ever look back on that fateful morning and think ‘lets burn that muthafookin unazukin’ but no I dont think that (maybe just a wee tad).

If I hadnt taken the advice of a plastic toy then I wouldnt have met three very good friends.  If I hadnt laid my future happiness on the line for Una then I wouldnt have realised how much I fookin hate scientists. 

OK OK maybe that is a bit harsh.  Maybe. 

Does this automatically lead on to why I hate/love scientists? Nearly nearly, don’t be so impatient.

I always thought that I wanted to be a ‘scientist’.  Yes I put scientist in inverted commas, deal with it.  OMG scientists rock! EVEN now, after my limited experience I still believe they rock.

 In my mind, at the beginning, a scientist did the following things:

• read lots of cool science stuff
• enjoyed being called Dr
• took advantage of being called Dr (is there a dr on the plane?)
• read someones work, improved or changed it then expected another scientist to do the same to your work
• encouraged other scientists in your field
• made your science accessible to everyone (my mom included)
• sound really cool when u are drunk and explained ur research to someone else
• tried to convince someone that if I can do it then ANYONE can so do it (trust me on this)
• that even though I have done a PhD this does not make me over qualified for a job.  OMFG trust me on this, I am sooooooo not overqualified. 

So how does a PhD start?  You get introduced to everyone in the department, lecturers, phd students, master students, admin staff.  I will just take this point to say, admin staff are your godsend, treat them well because they know everything and every person you are gonna need to talk to.

After the introductions? You are on your own.  Seriously.

No really, y o u – a r e – o n - y o u r  – o w n

Even though you have your family fluttering around you, other new PhD students being excited, old PhD students being jaded (cough splutter is that moi?), and your supervisor(s) being extremely proactive, trust me when I say you are on your fucking owneo.

After the initial introductions that every department has, the reading begins.  And carries on.  For about  a year.  Yip, really really a year.  You will read books, online articles, websites, and omfg journals.  I could write a book on why I hate journals.

Anyhoo, the reading takes over.  And people will ask you what your PhD is about.  MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

As if you have a clue at this stage!

Be honest!  You have nooooo clue what your research is really about.  All you know is a title, and this will probably change.  Even now, I still change my title.